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[snaggleteeth]

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@bob — text.

[sensive]

how do you know about all the stuff you know about

[ … ]

sorry that’s a dumb way to say it
did somebody teach you?

[snaggleteeth]

Not trying to be deliberately obtuse.

Which stuff? Mind work?

[sensive]

yeah
mind work
i’m reading a book that calls it shadow work too

[ most people don’t have a literal shadow, however. ]

[snaggleteeth]

I've had two masters. They taught me most of what I know, and the rest, I learned myself.

[would sol be pleased? he doesn't actually care. but it didn't turn out to be his ironclad policy, to hide his face from his students, in the end. no rules to break.]

You could say that one was light and one was dark. I would say the dark was kinder.

[sensive]

[ he considers the sentry and the void, and whether or not either has the capacity for kindness. he recalls armand’s claim that the shadow’s intentions had been merciful. an easeful death.

maybe those who seek the dark will always think it kinder. ]

were you nervous?
when you started learning

[snaggleteeth]

Such a strange question. Not a criticism. No one's ever asked me before.

[there's a smile on the other side, whether or not bob can guess at its existence. he tries to remember. 'nervous.' what a word.]

I'm afraid all the time. You can't care about something without being afraid to lose it. To believe otherwise disavows anything about people worth keeping.

Are you changing your mind?

[sensive]

[ i’m afraid all the time, words plucked from his mind. presented not as a flaw but as a necessity. an asset, even. ]

oh no um
i’m
well i’m a little nervous i guess

[ hence the unassigned additional reading. ]

i’ve just been dealing with this stuff on my own for a while now

[snaggleteeth]

[i don't plan to die would be redundant, probably, even if he failed to show off self-preservation maneuvers last time. what does the book say? is peripheral.]

Has the worst thing you know to fear happened to you yet?

[—feels like normal conversational progression to him, somehow. he hits send.]

[sensive]

um
probably not?

[ there are always worse things waiting, etc. for bob, that’s been proven true over and over again. ]

but close

[snaggleteeth]

That's wise to know about yourself. About everything you could lose. This is a better place to start from. More honest. Even if it's terrifying.

[that it can always be worse. half the horror of knowing what you're about is just horror. it's not alien to him, the need for reassurance. it doesn't seem weak in any way he eschews. the student wants to learn. that's the nature of the relationship—when you have the good fortune of not having to kill to claim what belongs with you.]

When I met you, you felt like someone who'd lost everything at some point. There's freedom in that. But I'm not trying to sell you nihilism or whatever the next philosopher will say. I just mean that it's opportunity to question the rules, the shape of the foundations, that built you in the first place.

Or not even opportunity. Necessity. Because you know it could happen again and time does not move in a circle. It's a spiral. You have a say in the direction of the drift, but none of us get to hide in a moment of reprieve.

What does this book say?

[sensive]

[ it’s a spiral, yes, it feels that way. florida riptide, red seaweed in the water. dragging you under, out, under, out, unless you flow with it. swim sideways. a day in the direction. logical, but alien, for one who has always been a passenger in his own life but can no longer afford to drift. ]

it says the shadow is neutral
and it reflects what i put into it
when i’m upset with it, it looks more frightening
so i should be more open minded about it

[ but consider i would not be so pissed at that guy if he would be helpful for once ]

[snaggleteeth]

I like that.

[shit and sugar everywhere for those who know both are required for life itself. to grow. some more explosively than others, that's all.]

What about its purpose?

How he was made?

[it's not accidental, the switch in pronouns.]

[sensive]

[ a pause to take in that approval (warm, appreciative) and the subsequent chaser. what sense is there in hiding? ]

i don’t know all the details
the place i’m from had these heroes to protect us for a long time, from dangers that were bigger and more powerful all the time, but we lost a lot of them

so he wasn’t supposed to exist
they were just trying to make somebody strong enough to protect everybody
i wasn’t the guy they wanted it to work on either, more like the first draft

[ to be discarded. ]

[snaggleteeth]

My first master regretted making me what I am, too. Or she would've, if she were capable of questioning herself.

I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not. Wasn't me, obviously. Someone should be, though.

[did they make that person pay? he does wonder. seems like part of an extended universe, slightly outside the scope of today's introductory book club session.]

How many other drafts were there?

[sensive]

[ understanding in everything down to that she. valentina certainly had regrets. ]

thanks

[ for saying that. it matters every time someone does. ]

a lot
but nobody else survived it

[snaggleteeth]

[]

Have you considered the possibility you survived because of him?